5 Stages of Grief

Have you ever heard of The 5 Stages of Grief? I've heard of some of the stages here and there, but never really paid attention to them. I mean why would I? They never applied to me....until now. I decided to look them up, the only one I could remember was anger.

Five Stages Of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation.
   At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
   The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
   Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
   The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.
   This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

This is right on target at least it is for me so far. I have done (and am still doing) #1, I don't want to be around people one friend at a time is different but I don't want to be in crowds. I just don't want to deal with the condolences and stares and whisper that follow something like this. Right now I am perfectly happy here at home with my kids (as long as I keep busy). If it was up to me I would lock myself in my room and not come out.

Yesterday the anger came, and I can't really figure out what/who exactly I am angry about. I mean yes the obvious but why? What good is that going to do, it isn't going to change it. In a way I am angry at myself I mean all the warning signs were there I just failed to recognize them for what they were. I am angry at the Dr. for not recognizing the big weight loss or the cramping I had told her about for what it was. I'm angry that I had to finish the miscarriage at home, yes I chose it but I had 3 choices the first one was to wait for it to happen on it's own, the second was to induce the miscarriage have it at home and bring the baby in for testing, the 3rd was a D and C which isn't painful cause you are numb and you don't have to see anything, but it's harder on the body. I honestly didn't feel I had a choice, I didn't want to wait because there would have been no way to know when it was going to happen, the Dr. really didn't recommend the d and c because my body was already starting to take care of it on it's on, she said it would be better for me to do it at home, although she failed to mention we would have to "collect" the baby and bring him in till after we had made the choice. I am very angry about that but at the same time grateful, in a way I needed to see him, I know that must sound completely morbid that's just how I feel. It is definitely an image that will always be in my mind. As for the d and c I didn't want to be in a room with a Dr. and nurses and an uncomfortable silence once it was all over. Those are just a few things I am pissed off about, or at least the ones I can put my finger on.

I have already found myself bargaining, praying and hoping that the next one will make it. I know several people that are pregnant right now or have been and complain about how hard it is, how miserable they are (hey I've done this too), but right now I would do anything to be miserable, knowing that there was a good reason, that every uncomfortable thing I would have to deal with would be worth it in the end.

This whole experience has woken me up, it has taught me to appreciate the 3 beautiful kids that I have. I have really and I mean really learned to take advantage of every precious moment I have with them and cherish it, because every child is a miracle. Since this has all happened the kids attitudes have changed, Ellie gives me more loves and wants me to hold her more, Marryne does everything she can to help me and Kaleb has started a new routine of me singing him a lullaby every night( I really need to learn me some more songs). I am taking more time to work with Ryne on her homework, turning the t.v. off and playing with Ellie, I'm talking kinder to Kaleb and getting better results, I am laughing with them. I realized how much I took all that for granted, I am grateful to have my eyes opened, to make amends and be the mother I should be before it's too late. I have always loved my kids, but I don't think I really understood how much I loved them until now. All of this hasn't happened for nothing, I have learned so much from this experience. I am truly blessed.

Finding the Blessings

Yesterday while sitting outside for the community yard sale I had time to think, which isn't always a good thing but it was this time. I had a thought "We can't choose what trials we want to endure but we can choose HOW we want to endure the trials we have." I have decided to see the blessings that have some from this, they may not be many are still blessings that are needed.

- My family has pulled together, ALL of the house work has become every ones responsibility.

- There is a different spirit in our home. We had been struggling with a lot of contention mainly between the kids, but they would yell at each other than we would yell at them for yelling (yeah you all know how it goes). The stress level has been very high because of this, but since the miscarriage instead of hearing the kids trying to kill each other, I hear please, thank you, and I love you, what a wonderful blessing.

- A sister I haven't talked to in a long time called me, it meant so much to me. I know it's an opening to start a new relationship with her, something I am truly grateful for.

- I have come to know my neighbors better. I felt a lone for a long time not really feeling like I have friends. I was wrong I am surrounded by them, and I am so blessed by there friendship and love. Thank you.

I know there are many more blessings to come, and as I recognize them for what they are I will share them with you. Thank you all for you support and love.

Wednesday night was a very difficult night, I can't say it was the worst day of my life or the hardest thing I have had to do in my life because I still have a lot of life to live and a lot of trials that come with it, but it is the most difficult thing I have had to endure so far. I was given some medicine to take that would induce the miscarriage, we would have to do it at home. We decided to wait till the kids were in bed, we didn't know how long it was going to take or what to expect. At 8:30p.m. I took the first dose and starting contracting pretty quickly, the contractions were pretty mild, I took another does at 12 a.m. and by 1:30 it was over. I was exhausted and sick, my body had gone into shock, thankfully I didn't pass out like the Dr. had warned, but at the time I wished I had, even just to get away from the emotional pain. I cried till I couldn't cry anymore, then I just laid there wishing it would all just go away, but knowing we had one more thing to do the Dr. wanted us to bring the baby into her so she could run tests so we had to "collect"(her words not mine) him, I cried some more.

We went back to the Dr. on Thursday for an ultra sound just to make sure everything was gone. There we learned that the baby died around 10 1/2 weeks and the heart beat that the nurse(on Tuesday)had heard was mine and not the babies. As I learned this new information things started to make sense, like why I wasn't having to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, why I started loosing weight instead of gaining it, why I suddenly wasn't throwing up anymore, it also explained why the cold I got almost 4 weeks ago hadn't gotten better but worse, it was also the reason for my loss of appetite. None of this information makes me feel any better in fact in some ways I feel worse knowing that for 3 1/2 weeks I didn't know or even think anything was wrong. I do feel that there was a reason for me not finding out until this week and not finding out until Wednesday, if I had found out Tuesday I would have been alone and I think the news would have been even more devastating to me, but on Wednesday Dana was there to hold my hand and catch me when I felt I was going to fall. The nurses where very sympathetic one even cried with me and gave me a very strong hug. I went home and cried, pulled myself together long enough to take care of my family, then I went to bad just wanting all the hurt to go away.

Today has been a hard day for me, the reality of it as has it me like a ton of bricks. Dana was going to take Kaleb and Ellie to run some errands this morning, but the thought of being a lone scared me. We took Ellie to do her lab work, she was so good she didn't even cry she only whispered "OW" a couple of times, we went to Hobby Lobby to get some craft supplies for the kids valentines for their teachers, then we went to McDonalds, after that we dropped Kaleb off and school and hit Wal-Mart and Game Stop, where I finally gave in and agreed to get a Wii. Once home I slept for as long as I could which wasn't long since I didn't take any percoset this time. I know that I will heal a little bit with every day that passes, I also know some days instead of moving forward I will move back, I know this all comes with the territory and I will endure it to the best of my ability and that I will let the Lord help me, cause really I can't do it without Him. In my grieving I need to not loose sight that my husband is grieving as well and that he has his own way of grieving and I should let him but at the same time and to a certain extent we need to both open up and grieve together, so far we have been doing pretty good with this, but it is easy to get lost in my own heartache.

We for those who have shared similar experiences it has helped to strengthen us and to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we will not be in the dark forever. We are also very thankful for all the prayers that have been said for our family, we know they are being heard and we truly have felt comforted this in our time of need, we love you all.

Yesterday I had a Dr.'s appointment where I got to hear my baby's heart beat, after that I was excited to go home and announce to everyone that we were pregnant again! I put it on FB and I even added a widget on here, then around 8:30 last, I went to the bathroom only to discover I was bleeding. We went to the Dr. this morning and found out that the baby had died, it was only measuring about 10 weeks gestation, it hadn't been growing right pretty early on and finally it couldn't hold on any longer. This is heartbreaking for my family, especially since we had a miscarriage in September, the Dr is calling it really bad luck but we know that it just wasn't meant to be, it's not time for this little spirit to be here, even though we know this we still grieve for those little babies.

Last night as I prayed for understanding and I asked the infamous "why?" question the the answer I received was"It's a test of faith", then the question "what if I fail?" came to mind, then very clearly I heard the words "have faith". Having faith is never really easy, especially in times like this, trials like this can either make our faith stronger or it can make us loose faith completely, it's up to us to choose which way we will go. I think that it's because of my kids and my husband that I haven't completely lost it yet, they are my reason for holding on, they are my reason for keeping the faith that we will get through this and everything will work out the way it's suppose to and that I will receive the comfort I need. Prays are very much needed and appreciated. We want to thank all those who have already been a great help to us, we truly appreciate all you have done.

La La Lola Giveaway!

A friend of mine is doing a bow tie giveaway on her blog, she makes the cutest bow ties, hair bows/flowers, diaper bags and the cutest little girl tutu's, go check out all of her amazing stuff at La La Lola Handmade Gifts. You can also find her on facebook.

Ellie Turned 2...

Ellie's birthday was last Sunday. The morning started out great Ellie was thrilled to see balloons just for her, she carried them around all morning I had to pry them from her little hands before church! When we got to church Ellie started having diarrhea(lovely right?) , once home she was miserable, we let her nap as long as we could (she slept from 12-5). We of course woke her up for her little party and let's just say she was a little less then thrilled.

She didn't eat her dinner, and she just wanted to be held until, we turned out the lights and brought out her cake. This is a bad picture but I love the look on her face!

She was being dainty with the frosting.Present time, she has loved using Kaleb's spider man couch so we decided to get her one of her own. Her reaction was "WOW". Ryne and Kaleb "helped" her open the rest of her presents.She enjoyed all her presents but I think she loved the couch the best. Kaleb likes putting the couchs together and taking "sleep over naps" with Ellie, even Tink joins in (far left right by Ellie's bum).

Despite her not feeling well she had a good birthday. Monday I took her to the doctor (after she started running a 104 temp) and found out she had the flu, strep throat and a double ear infection! It all hit her pretty fast, after being on several different meds she is finally feeling better, I can't say the same for the rest of us!

2 year well check

Ellie's well check was scheduled for Tuesday the 1st, but she decided to get the flu, a double ear infection and strep throat hence we had to push back the appointment. We went in Friday the 5th, all the antibiotics and breathing treatments she is on is working (HOORAY!) and she is fit as a fiddle (except for the cough that sounds like she is dying). Here are her stats: She weighs 25.3 lbs (25%), she is 33" tall(50%) and her head is a whopping 48(75%).

She loved reading the books they had in the room.

She didn't even notice this drawer till the Dr. opened it and encouraged her to get into it, then we couldn't get her out THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

I wish I would have gotten a picture of the stink face she was giving the Dr.. Ellie doesn't like her much (and really I can't blame her), we are currently in the market for a new pediatrician. Any who the look was classic I loved it and really had to keep from laughing, especially after the Dr. said "it's like she doesn't like me or something?" in a clueless tone, I wanted to blurt out "YA THINK!?", but needless to say I held my tongue.

Anyway back to Ellie, she is busier than ever and she non-stop talks (just like her sister). She says a lot of words and even a few full sentences like "I want more", " give me some please", "what's this?",she says no, mine, thank you, please, dog, tinker, sis, ub(for Kaleb), yes, night night, blankie, juice, milk and a tons more I can't think of. Some of her past times are to follow Tinkerbell around the house, to pet her and throw her toys and watch her chase (slide all over the floor)them, she also LOVES to take brothers toys and hear him scream, dump all the books off the book shelf in sisters room and giggles when Ryne has to pick them up, she really likes to help Tinkerbell get the trash out of the trash can, and she has a new toilet fetish (especially when she's thirsty nough said).

She is definitely growing and learning, and we love watching her do it. Every time she learns something new, the kids clap and cheer her on, I just love to see her face light up each time they do it, she is so full of life and laughter and we love every minute of it!