It's been a hard and very emotional month for me, I should be anxiously awaiting the arrival of a new family member, instead I am crying myself to sleep wondering if the empty hole I have in my heart will ever heal? I know that I was only 14 weeks when we lost him, I never really got to feel him move, and I never got to hold him or see him, but I still felt so connected to him. It doesn't matter how far a long you are when you loose a baby, you are in love with it the moment you find out you are expecting. I have been struggling a lot with many friends updates of the upcoming arrivals, there's a big conflict inside of me every time I read one, on one hand I am happy and excited for them on the other hand I am jealous, frustrated and just down right angry. It's not their fault, it's not something they can control, and right now these feelings are something I can't control.
I have had some people tell me I need to focus on the here and now instead of on the past, and for the most part I do but I can't just move on like it never happened because I just feel this gaping whole like someone in our family is missing. I have been keeping my body and mind busy and I have been happy. I am so blessed to have the 3 kids I have, and I have learned to not take them for granted. I have learned a lot from this trial, I have been doing pretty good with my feelings and emotions, been handling them as they come but last night and today have been extremely hard. I know things will get better, but at the moment they just plain suck.
Good things have been happening lately, like the kids getting into the school of our choice. We had some issues with the school that the kids are suppose to go to, like the choice that the district made to get rid of recess for 1st-6th graders, because they tested the lowest in the state so they think the kids need more classroom time, not to mention there school's communication skills were definitely lacking. Anyway I was thrilled when I went to this new school, a friend suggested it I was impressed the moment I walked in the door. The secretary was awesome she was quick to answer all my questions, and listen to my concerns, she also checked to see if they had room for my kids in there grades. They had to go over the IEP's to make sure that they gave the services requested and had the funds for some services requested. The next day I got the call that they had been excepted and I just needed to go in and sign a request form so they could get all the kids records from their previous school. When I went in I got to meet the principal, and she is pretty awesome, when going over the IEP's she didn't know if they had the funding for the aid that is required for Kaleb, their district representitive was out on vacation and she didn't want to wait 2 weeks to find out, so she called the district to find out if the funding was there when she couldn't get anyone to answer the phones she decided to go down and talk to someone about it in person how awesome is that!? Now that's service.
The secretary showed me around the school, were the kids classrooms are gonna be, she also gave me the # for the special ed teacher, and for Kaleb's aide, information that I could not get from the other school. The kids are super excited, even though they are gonna have to get up by 6 and be to school by 7:30ish. I think I am the one that's gonna have the harder time, last year Ryne didn't have to be to the bus stop till 8:30 so we had plenty of time, and 9x's out of 10 I just rolled out of bed in my jammies and walked her to her stop, now I will have to drive them. I decided it's not that bad the school is 10 mins away, and by going to school so early they get out earlier 2:15 which I think is nice cause that will give them more time to do home work and chores and have time to play before dinner and bedtime. I also think that since Ellie will have to get up so early she will start taking naps again.
We are going school supply shopping on Friday, the kids are thrilled. I figured I would take just Ryne and Kaleb and let Ellie have some quality daddy daughter time. We also got an appointment for Kaleb at the Melmed Center in November yes November I know it's awhile away but that's how far they are bookin out, I'm just glad we were able to get that appointment, plus this way Dane will have new vacation time and he can take the day off since the Melmed center is in Scottsdale and we have the other 3 kids that will need to be taken care of. The gal I talked to said the appointment will be 1 hr 1/2 - 2 hrs but by the time we leave we will l have a diagnosis and treatment plan no dragging it out.
Besides getting ready for school I have been busy gettin ready for an up coming boutique, and I have been working on aprons for my etsy shop. Here are some aprons I did for a friend, they turned out pretty good for wiggin it and making up my own patterns. So good things are happening, and I know I need to focus more on that and I think once this month is past me I will be able too.
Losses are hard. I feel for you. I've been through it several times myself. I just figure it wasn't time for that little soul to come to earth yet. It's definitely something that's hard to except. Everyone grieves differently so don't listen to everyone's advice if you don't want to. Keeping busy is great, but it doesn't always fill the hole. Maybe you should look into grief counseling, you can probably get some free through the church. I know it helped me a lot to talk about it.
ReplyDeleteI love you and I know that you will be able to use this trial as a tool to better yourself someday.