Over the last couple of weeks I have been feeling really stressed and anxious. The kids have been really missing their daddy, they were fine for about the first month but now not a day goes by that one of them doesn't cry for daddy. I feel bad because they are constantly begging to go home "to daddy's home", all I can say is that it isn't time to go home yet but they don't understand this so they just cry harder and keep begging. I know how they feel it's hard being away from family, that's why we are here in the first place! I am such a daddy's girl I missed him and wanted to spend some time with him (and my mom too, I love her just as much), I don't like being away from my family I get homesick all the time and I hate how that feels, and yet I turn around and give my kids the same feeling. I am now feeling guilty and that adds more stress, lately I have felt like I have failed as a mother, there really is no particular reason why I feel this way in fact there seems to be a new reason every day! Some days it's because the kids do nothing but fight with each other, or they won't listen to me, there constant screaming whether it's happy mad or sad screaming, it could be their constant whining (usually about daddy), their teasing, the fact that their dad isn't here, you name it and I fell like I am the cause of it and there for I have failed, if you asked me to grade myself I would give myself a big fat F. As you can tell my feelings have completely taken control of me, I know that being apart from Dana is making me homesick, and that I am feeling pretty much the same way the kids are but I am hiding that fact from the kids, at least I was until last week. One night the kids wouldn't go to sleep, Kaleb kept coming out of the bedroom cause Ryne was teasing him, and by constantly coming out of the room he was keeping Ellie awake, I had had enough I reached my boiling point, and exploded not only on my kids but innocent bystanders ( to whom I want to say I am truly sorry). I called Dana that night wanting to go home, I cried and bawled for oh I don't know how long, by the end of my ranting I felt a little better but decided I would feel better if I went to the Temple.
I found out that the Logan Temple was closed for cleaning, so my mom and I went to the Idaho Falls Temple on Saturday for a session. It was so wonderful, I am so grateful to have these beautiful peaceful Temples that I can go to to feel the presence of my Father in Heaven. I have never been to the Idaho Falls temple before and it was a new and wonderful experience for me. The moment I entered the Temple I was at peace, all I could feel was my Father's love for me and my family. Every worry I had before entering the Temple was gone the second I stepped over the thresh hold, all I felt was love, and understanding. The things that I was so worried and stressed about didn't matter anymore because the Lord took it all from me, the moment I let go of it, he heard the pray in my heart, by the end of the session I had the answers to my questions all I could feel was peace, no anxiety, no stress just peace. I have tried to hold onto that feeling since we left the Temple yesterday, when I start to get frustrated, or anxious I just remember that peace I felt, and I remind myself that my Father in Heaven has a hand in everything and that there will always be peace when I need it the most, if I just look for it and open my heart to it. I am so grateful for the teachings of my Savior, for the plan of Salvation and I am so grateful for the Temples and the promise of and Eternal family, my testimony has grown so much in the last few months, I can't even explain how. Every Sunday I feel the spirit, everything that I have ever been taught is confirmed to me through every lesson, every hymn, and every talk, I feel my Savior and my Father in Heaven in everything and for that I am truly grateful. Yesterday was exactly what I needed, and I found exactly what I was looking for.
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