5 Stages of Grief

Have you ever heard of The 5 Stages of Grief? I've heard of some of the stages here and there, but never really paid attention to them. I mean why would I? They never applied to me....until now. I decided to look them up, the only one I could remember was anger.

Five Stages Of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation.
   At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
   The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
   Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
   The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.
   This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

This is right on target at least it is for me so far. I have done (and am still doing) #1, I don't want to be around people one friend at a time is different but I don't want to be in crowds. I just don't want to deal with the condolences and stares and whisper that follow something like this. Right now I am perfectly happy here at home with my kids (as long as I keep busy). If it was up to me I would lock myself in my room and not come out.

Yesterday the anger came, and I can't really figure out what/who exactly I am angry about. I mean yes the obvious but why? What good is that going to do, it isn't going to change it. In a way I am angry at myself I mean all the warning signs were there I just failed to recognize them for what they were. I am angry at the Dr. for not recognizing the big weight loss or the cramping I had told her about for what it was. I'm angry that I had to finish the miscarriage at home, yes I chose it but I had 3 choices the first one was to wait for it to happen on it's own, the second was to induce the miscarriage have it at home and bring the baby in for testing, the 3rd was a D and C which isn't painful cause you are numb and you don't have to see anything, but it's harder on the body. I honestly didn't feel I had a choice, I didn't want to wait because there would have been no way to know when it was going to happen, the Dr. really didn't recommend the d and c because my body was already starting to take care of it on it's on, she said it would be better for me to do it at home, although she failed to mention we would have to "collect" the baby and bring him in till after we had made the choice. I am very angry about that but at the same time grateful, in a way I needed to see him, I know that must sound completely morbid that's just how I feel. It is definitely an image that will always be in my mind. As for the d and c I didn't want to be in a room with a Dr. and nurses and an uncomfortable silence once it was all over. Those are just a few things I am pissed off about, or at least the ones I can put my finger on.

I have already found myself bargaining, praying and hoping that the next one will make it. I know several people that are pregnant right now or have been and complain about how hard it is, how miserable they are (hey I've done this too), but right now I would do anything to be miserable, knowing that there was a good reason, that every uncomfortable thing I would have to deal with would be worth it in the end.

This whole experience has woken me up, it has taught me to appreciate the 3 beautiful kids that I have. I have really and I mean really learned to take advantage of every precious moment I have with them and cherish it, because every child is a miracle. Since this has all happened the kids attitudes have changed, Ellie gives me more loves and wants me to hold her more, Marryne does everything she can to help me and Kaleb has started a new routine of me singing him a lullaby every night( I really need to learn me some more songs). I am taking more time to work with Ryne on her homework, turning the t.v. off and playing with Ellie, I'm talking kinder to Kaleb and getting better results, I am laughing with them. I realized how much I took all that for granted, I am grateful to have my eyes opened, to make amends and be the mother I should be before it's too late. I have always loved my kids, but I don't think I really understood how much I loved them until now. All of this hasn't happened for nothing, I have learned so much from this experience. I am truly blessed.