Shedding Light on The Lamps Family

Wednesday night was a very difficult night, I can't say it was the worst day of my life or the hardest thing I have had to do in my life because I still have a lot of life to live and a lot of trials that come with it, but it is the most difficult thing I have had to endure so far. I was given some medicine to take that would induce the miscarriage, we would have to do it at home. We decided to wait till the kids were in bed, we didn't know how long it was going to take or what to expect. At 8:30p.m. I took the first dose and starting contracting pretty quickly, the contractions were pretty mild, I took another does at 12 a.m. and by 1:30 it was over. I was exhausted and sick, my body had gone into shock, thankfully I didn't pass out like the Dr. had warned, but at the time I wished I had, even just to get away from the emotional pain. I cried till I couldn't cry anymore, then I just laid there wishing it would all just go away, but knowing we had one more thing to do the Dr. wanted us to bring the baby into her so she could run tests so we had to "collect"(her words not mine) him, I cried some more.

We went back to the Dr. on Thursday for an ultra sound just to make sure everything was gone. There we learned that the baby died around 10 1/2 weeks and the heart beat that the nurse(on Tuesday)had heard was mine and not the babies. As I learned this new information things started to make sense, like why I wasn't having to get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, why I started loosing weight instead of gaining it, why I suddenly wasn't throwing up anymore, it also explained why the cold I got almost 4 weeks ago hadn't gotten better but worse, it was also the reason for my loss of appetite. None of this information makes me feel any better in fact in some ways I feel worse knowing that for 3 1/2 weeks I didn't know or even think anything was wrong. I do feel that there was a reason for me not finding out until this week and not finding out until Wednesday, if I had found out Tuesday I would have been alone and I think the news would have been even more devastating to me, but on Wednesday Dana was there to hold my hand and catch me when I felt I was going to fall. The nurses where very sympathetic one even cried with me and gave me a very strong hug. I went home and cried, pulled myself together long enough to take care of my family, then I went to bad just wanting all the hurt to go away.

Today has been a hard day for me, the reality of it as has it me like a ton of bricks. Dana was going to take Kaleb and Ellie to run some errands this morning, but the thought of being a lone scared me. We took Ellie to do her lab work, she was so good she didn't even cry she only whispered "OW" a couple of times, we went to Hobby Lobby to get some craft supplies for the kids valentines for their teachers, then we went to McDonalds, after that we dropped Kaleb off and school and hit Wal-Mart and Game Stop, where I finally gave in and agreed to get a Wii. Once home I slept for as long as I could which wasn't long since I didn't take any percoset this time. I know that I will heal a little bit with every day that passes, I also know some days instead of moving forward I will move back, I know this all comes with the territory and I will endure it to the best of my ability and that I will let the Lord help me, cause really I can't do it without Him. In my grieving I need to not loose sight that my husband is grieving as well and that he has his own way of grieving and I should let him but at the same time and to a certain extent we need to both open up and grieve together, so far we have been doing pretty good with this, but it is easy to get lost in my own heartache.

We for those who have shared similar experiences it has helped to strengthen us and to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we will not be in the dark forever. We are also very thankful for all the prayers that have been said for our family, we know they are being heard and we truly have felt comforted this in our time of need, we love you all.