Throw yourself into it.

I have never really liked to do house work, in fact every week without fail I would complain about the dirty dishes, dirty laundry, and toys all over the house then I would reluctantly make sure everything got picked up and cleaned. It's not that the work is hard in fact most the time I find myself done within an hour (especially if the kids are co-operating), I think it's more the monotonous of it, the same thing day in and day out, it's a cycle that never ends. I have never been thankful for it, till this week I have been glad to get up and have something to clean, wash, mop, sweep, etc. Now that I don't need to stay down I have been tackling the big jobs that I have been putting off like cleaning my room, I know it may sound silly but our room was a disaster area, ya could barely make it through the door, and then ya had to step on crap to get to the bed. I admit it was really gross, but ya know for the last 2 weeks I haven't cared what condition my room was in, as long as the living rooms and kitchen were clean I was fine.

Yesterday I spent almost 2 hrs cleaning the main part of the room, I left the dresses and table for today. Ya knot the book "If you give a mouse a Cookie", that's how I felt with my room once I got the room clean and all the dressers cleaned off I decided to move the furniture around, then I decided to organize the closet(except the shoes that is just hopeless), then I couldn't just stop with my room, I cleaned both bathrooms and helped the kids with their rooms. I am exhausted but at the same time I feel fulfilled, I'm not sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I have found that all the cleaning has been very therapeutic for me. When cleaning my room I ran across some stray baby things, binkies, bibs, some clothes and the jumperoo, I admit I got emotional at first I just cried then I got mad and took it out on the jumperoo I kicked it yelled at it, even said a few choice words to it, then I felt better and moved on, believe it or not I felt a lot better after that little "episode". I came to realize that cleaning is good for the soul, not just physical cleaning of the house and stuff but inside, for some reason scrubbing and cleaning every little nook and cranny in the house has helped me to look at myself and scrub and clean and get rid of all the clutter, by feeling each emotion I have on a shelf or hidden in a closet. I'm not done yet I still have a long way to go, a Sister in my ward told me on Sunday that she had lost a baby at 7 months, she put her hand on my should and told me that it's something she will never forget and that's ok. That really stuck with me, I wouldn't want to forget, this experience has truly humbled me, and taught me to not take what I have fore granted, it can be taken away at any moment.

Monday was the first time I didn't have to remind myself that I wasn't pregnant anymore, things went on as they normally do. Now I am far from being back to my normal self, but with each new day I do feel better, some days are definitely harder than others, and I have to work a little harder to maintain me composure. I have realized that I don't cry or get angry at every pregnant women or infant I see, I still hurt and I'm still somewhat angry but I have learned it's not them I am angry at. The kids say things once in awhile that when this all started I would cry at but I'm finding I can actually compose myself and answer their questions, I've learned that I can let them see me cry, it's ok for them to know that adults hurt too. The kids have been pretty sensitive with me and it has surprised me quite a bit, I didn't think they would understand but surprisingly they do, when of my favorite things that Kaleb did was sing "You are my Sunshine" to me one day when all I could do was lay on the couch and cry, he kissed me on the forehead and kept singing till I stopped crying, it was a very touching moment. It's funny how it's only been a couple of weeks yet I see that I am healing with each passing day, with each emotion that I express, with each room that I clean and with each word that I say. I feel that I have come a long way in such a short time, I can talk about the miscarriage without bursting into tears, although I loose it when someone shows me kindness or gives me a hug, it's nice to know people actually care.

Dane and I have been talking a lot about it, he has been struggling emotionally this week. I thought that if I saw him crying I would break down too, but surprisingly I have been able to be strong and talk to him about our concerns and fears for the future. Right now I am terrified at the thought of becoming pregnant again, we have never been planners when it comes to having kids we feel when the time is right it will happen and that has never scared me till now. I have expressed this many times to Dane, it wasn't until this week that I knew he had the same concerns and fears he doesn't want to put anymore stress on me or cause me anymore pain. It has been a good thing for us to talk things threw and to acknowledge each other, and the ways we each deal with loss and grief. When we had the first miscarriage Dane had said things like this will either hurt us or make us stronger it's up to us to decided which. We have applied that same thing this time, we can let this loss tear us apart we can put blame on each other and distance ourselves or we can embrace each other and help each other threw each emotion and thought. I know with all my heart we will come out stronger as a couple in the end.