Heart

This morning on our way out the door Kaleb asked me "mom did you loose your heart?", stunned I stared wide eyed. After a minute I found my voice and asked him why he thought that, this was his answer "cause the baby in your tummy died, and it was like it was your heart.". Wow I honestly had no answer, I got emotional. Dana answered him, I have no idea what was said cause I just went numb, my head was swirling with questions, frustration and doubts of my ability as a mother.

It amazes me how observant children are, things have been harder for me this month, if I hadn't have lost the baby in September I would be expecting this month. It has been especially hard for me, but I didn't realize how much that showed. I have been trying my best to show my love for my kids, but I have to admit my patience has been very thin lately, I'm easily agitated and I'm not always in the moment. I have been very forgetful lately, I'm glad my kids are old enough to tell me(or show me) what they want or need. My mind keeps wandering to places I haven't let my self go before, and the only way to stop it is to keep myself busy with other things, like laundry dishes, blogging, it all helps to take my mind off things, but it also keeps me from being there for my kids.

I'm worried now that my kids don't think I love them. I talked with Kaleb and asked him why he thought I had lost my heart,  he said "your not as fun as you use to be, and you say no a lot". This summer the kids and I are going to Idaho, it's going to be great I am really excited and I think I will take the time I am going to have with them to heart. I will try and play with them more, and to listen to all they have to say before giving an answer. I know eventually I need to let myself think and feel all that I am keeping locked up, that's what this trip is for I NEED my family and friends that are in Idaho. I to take a step back from all the crap here in Arizona, so that I can deal with it when I come back.

I promised Kaleb that things will get better, I know they will because I have been promised the same thing by my Father in Heaven and I know in there right time everything will be fine and work out the way it's suppose too, I love my family and the insight of my 5 yr old he has given me a lot to think about.